He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
