i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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