She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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