I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
