she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
