GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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