i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
