Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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