i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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