Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
