The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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