My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
