You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
