by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
