Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
