i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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