someone get that fucking seahorse.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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