No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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