You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
