my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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