Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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