mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
