New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
