Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I supernannyed him into submission
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
