everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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