you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
