96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
