just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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