Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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