i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
