Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
