so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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