My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I think i got beer on your cat.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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