so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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