I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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