Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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