I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
