If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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