mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
