you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
