Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
