I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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