just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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