It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
