First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
