i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think your dad took our porno
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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