I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
