Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
