Betty ford says i'm here all night
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize