She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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