Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
