Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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