If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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