I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
