He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
