jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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