I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
