Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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