but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
