i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
