believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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