You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
