nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
